How I (Ain’t) Got Over

Photo:  Adobe Stock

Photo: Adobe Stock

 

I know I recently wrote a post for my own personal blog about some of the things I have implemented to help me cope with my depression at home. But, if we are being honest—which I always try to be with you guys—those coping strategies are not fool proof. Although they help significantly, they have not cured me from my dark days and to be quite frank, I am struggling!

 

It is finals season. I have papers, presentations, and exams I should have begun weeks ago; but we all make those promises to ourselves, and I did not keep mine. I am unemployed, by choice, because the work environments were extremely toxic and detrimental to my health. So here we are, two weeks out from the semester’s end and all my planning goals have gone out the window.

 

My mirror reflects an exhausted Black woman who has battle wounds from the Strong Black Woman syndrome. My clothes in my closet barely fit, but I have lost five pounds out of lack of appetite and being sick. My Bible has collected a little dust, but my devotional application on my phone has been excessively used.

 

Despite all my trying, my best friend named depression has yet to get the picture that is unwanted. It doesn’t understand I am not reciprocating the same affections! It is actually what Beyonce would call a “Bug-a-boo.” I have changed my number, and it has STILL found me! Bear with me, I am trying to be transparent with you all!

 

I have tried to pray about it. I have written about it. I have sung old time gospel songs that would make Mahalia Jackson proud; however, I still ain’t got over!

 

I am so not myself, that I was at a coffee shop and while I was pouring myself some water, I did not even realize I had overflown my glass. Water was everywhere on the table and almost ruined my textbook. You can hold a conversation with me but I will not remember a word you are saying. Basically, depression is kicking my ass.

 

I wish I had some sort of age advance, but all I got is that I keep pushing even when I do not want to. And Lord knows that 99% if the time I do not want to. And sometimes you gotta pick what is important. For me finishing strong this semester is all I can bear to do, and my definition of strong at this point is to just finish.

 

I wish I could tell you how I wake up and I was chipper and ready to tackle the day, but I cannot. In fact, when my alarm goes off, I do not even budge. I let that shit ring. My dog has to whimper until I wake up and feed her.

 

I utilize the counseling center on campus and I take my medication. It is not a cure all—but it somewhat helps.  I am struggling with the fact that you can be hurt and that is just fine—and that does not make you broken. I can be depressed and not defective.

 

It is definitely hard to grasp that concept. Learning to navigate the space I am currently in is new territory. Society really does pressure us to have it all together, and I sure as hell do not and I probably won’t ever. it is unfair for me (or anyone else) to paint themselves like they do. Just walking in my truth of this mental health disorder is slowly becoming restorative. But it takes work and I ain’t over quite yet.

*if you or anyone you know may be struggling with depression or anxiety, please know you are not alone. There are folks are out there who are there to help 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joy Melody is a Master's Student at the University of Iowa who studies the sociology of sports and health communication within the education system. When she is not busy completing work for class she enjoys writing for her blog, running with her dog, and hunting down guests for her podcast. She is a native of Fort Worth, TX.


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